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Now, I know what you’re thinking: if this doesn’t make me a drunk slut, I don’t know what does.
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The worst part of it all was that I kept having to leave mid-hump to run to the bathroom and puke a little.
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Suffice it to say that having part of someone else’s body up your butthole is just as painful and full of uncomfortable friction as you might think it would be. The sex with Jose the green fairy did not go off without a hitch. For those of you who don’t know, True Religion is famous for bedazzled jeans with horseshoes stitched onto the buttock region of the denim. Oh, and my dad only wears clothing purchased from the store True Religion. We arrived back on campus and were soon in his room preparing for the deed – he put a condom on both of us, which confused me because the one on me never ended up being necessary. Honestly that should have probably been the first sign that this night wasn’t going so smoothly but I was determined to be a real gay man and so I kept chugging along. So I was in the cab with Jose the green fairy and had begun to puke out of the window of the moving cab, my vomit streaming behind us like a lovely tan ribbon.
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Still don’t believe I’m not one of those sexy sparkly gay boys who has threesomes every night and uses crack powder instead of sugar in his coffee? Then believe this: I have an armpit rash because my skin reacted badly to my deodorant and I tweeted about it twice.Īlso my dad has once wrote a poem to a football player named Brett Favre and got it published to mildly successful reviews.īack to the virginity story. I have also been compared in appearance to Golem from Lord of the Rings on several occasions, as well as to Sid, the bully from Toy Story who straps toys to explosives. I played the Sims so much in high school that one time I accidentally pooped my pants a little because I couldn’t tear myself away from my Sim family (I had just purchased the Sims 2: Open for Business, which allows your Sims to open a store or restaurant and start their own business!). Also, my dad once told me implicitly that his penis is pierced.īut more reasons I am not a drunk slut: one time a boy asked to hang out late at night and I said no because I was watching the Hannah Montana movie. Her name is Molly McIntyre, just like the American Girl doll that lived during World War I I think. Some background info: I dated a blonde bombshell my junior year of high school and after being forced to leave her because I wasn’t interested in her private parts we have since become inseparable best friends. The most sexual act I had performed up until this October night was kissing my high-school girlfriend’s nipple once in my mom’s car. Prior to this fairy encounter (and honestly, for the most part, after this fairy encounter as well) I had not ever had any sex at all. My name is Hilton Dresden and I am not a drunk slut. I need to pause the story for a brief moment to clear up any assumptions readers may be currently forming about me. Jose and I ended up stumbling into a back room of the party and were beginning to get hot and heavy when I mentioned that I thought it would be in both of our best interests to practice safe sex, so Jose suggested we head back to the dorms, where he had condoms for just that very reason! Blearily, I followed him into a cab. Also, my dad has both his nipples pierced. I chugged some lukewarm vodka on that fateful night and then proceeded to be frisked by a cheerful and forward gay man dressed as a green fairy. My dad once suggested we go to a gay club together because gay guys love hitting on him. The first time I had sex was on the Halloween weekend of my freshman year of college.
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Also, I think my dad might be gay, and I felt the need to give a few reasons why as I tell my big gay sexual saga. I lost my virginity in a simultaneously horrifying and hilarious manner.